Children, particularly small children, have an innocent talent for saying or doing exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time – just to embarrass their parents. Here is a collection of 15 stories where exactly that has happened. Some may be familiar, some not, but I hope you enjoy them:
- A small boy took the customer service ticket from his mother in the deli counter line at the supermarket. He carefully folded it in half, placed it carefully it in his mum’s cleavage and said “Go get yourself something nice, honey”;
- I was busy with my trolley when I received a tap on the shoulder to be told “Your child is dancing naked beside the potatoes.”
- A 3 year old was shopping with his father, who had him sitting in the trolley. All of a sudden the little mite shouted at the top of his voice “DADDY. YOU JUST FARTED. DADDY YOU FARTED”. Daddy leans over to explain quietly that he didn’t fart. Also that it is very rude to shout like that. The wee laddie continues to yell “YEAH YOU DID DADDY. YOU FARTED.” At this point Daddy decided to squeeze his hand just the littlest bit, meaning enough already, stop now. The laddie forgets about the fart. Instead he shouts “OW DADDY STOP SQUEEZING THAT HURTS OW!”
- She must have been about 18 months old when she reached up in the shop and unzipped my cardigan. Unfortunately, I wasn’t wearing anything underneath and the entire shop had a great view of my naked torso and cleavage. I now always wear a tanktop.
- My 5 year old was having a tantrum in the car park on the way to the car and grabbed my dress, hauling it down to the floor. I wasn’t wearing any underwear. I couldn’t pull it back up because I was carrying bags of shopping. I couldn’t move any quicker to the car because I was hobbled by the dress around my ankles. Big choice be embarrassed, or drop the box of eggs. The eggs lost.
- We were in the fast food queue in the local grocery store, waiting behind a rather large guy. My 5 year old said to me very loudly, “I can’t see past this fat man, he must have eaten all the pies”.
- As a small boy of about 4 years old, I was banned from the local appliance store. I had gone around all the cookers and set the oven timers to go off at random intervals during the day. Drove the staff mad.
Church and Religion
- Mum was a bit short in the bottle store on Saturday, so borrowed some money from her child. She didn’t have time to go to an ATM and replace it. In church the next day, when presented with the collection plate her wee boy said “I don’t have any money. Mummy took it to buy booze yesterday”.
- A father took his young daughter to her class. Once the class begins the outside door locks and you ring the doorbell to get in. Today, he is standing in the watching area when the front door clicks shut as the class starts. A latecomer arrives and rings the doorbell to get in. His daughter hears the bell, runs over to Daddy and shouts ” Daddy, Daddy, is that the goddamn Jehovah’s Witnesses again?”. That was when he realised he needed to be very careful about what he says around the house.
- I can recall when my husband and I took our 4 year old to church. As the collection plate came around, he gave our child some coins to put into the plate, which he did. As my husband was about to pass the plate on, our pride and joy reached for the plate again shouting “I want some change”.
- My little darling came into the dining room while we were entertaining guests. He stood there, grinned, ripped off his dirty nappy and threw it on the carpet.
- We were out for supper as a family, and during the meal our 5 year old had been staring at a gentleman on an adjacent table. He was sporting a magnificent pair of mutton-chop side whiskers. The wee mite went over to him and whispered “I know you are really Ironman. I promise not to tell anyone”.
- I took my child to day care and was a little late. I hadn’t been well earlier because I had a tummy upset from the day before when caught in a rain shower and got wet feet through the pattern holes in my leather sandals. I was utterly mortified when she announced we were late because “mummy had diarrhoea through a hole in her shoe”.
- I was waiting to collect my child, Billy, after school. I saw he was being assisted by his teacher to get ready to leave. The following ensued:
- Teacher finally got the shoes on after a bit of a struggle.
- ‘They’re on the wrong feet, Miss,’ complained Billy.
- She realises that he is right; they are the wrong way round. Calmly, she struggles again and gets them on the correct feet.
- Billy murmurs again. “These aren’t my shoes.
- Teacher hauls them off again and asks him where are his shoes. Billy answers ”They’re my brother’s and Mum said I’ve not to tell anyone.’
- Teacher helps him back into his shoes.
- She gets him ready to go outside with his coat and scarf and gently asks “Where are your gloves, Billy?”
- “I always keep them in my shoes so I don’t lose them!’
- I took my 6 year old to the dentist quite a few years ago. He needed a tooth extracted from the back of his mouth and the dentist put one foot up on the chair to brace himself while he pulled. As he pulled the tooth, Johnny kicked out in pain, connecting with a sensitive part of the dentist’s anatomy. Fortunately, the tooth came out as the dentist fell backwards in agony. We had to change dentists.